Our secret is officially out… we are having a baby girl! Our little girl is due in early July and we could not be more excited to be having our first child. Although, this road to motherhood has been nothing but perfect, yet it has been perfect in the sense that this path was given to us for a reason and it is only ours to walk. I have been flooded with emotions this week knowing that we would be announcing my pregnancy to the public. For so long it has been just Drew and I's little secret and something that I have held onto so tightly for fear that it might be taken away at any minute. This has been our experience in the past, and I can tell you that being tormented by “recurrent pregnancy loss” is a deep-rooted fear that never leaves my daily thoughts. There is not a day that passes by that I don’t wake up scared. Now that I am 15 weeks and in my second trimester, I have chilled out a bit and surrendered to what God and the universe have planned for us.
Here is a bit of our story.
"trust the wait. embrace the uncertainty. enjoy the beauty of becoming. when nothing is certain, anything is possible"
“Surrender” has been the word of my life for the past year and a half as we have been fighting to build our family. I use the word "fighting" because it is the only word that seems appropriate for this process. For most people, it seems obvious that the “art of surrendering” would be part of the road to motherhood, but for someone like me, lack of control and not having foresight was crippling. So I dedicated the greater part of last year to focus on working on my mental wellbeing over anything else. I could not let my fear thrive anymore because I knew my little angel would not be able to survive in a “fear based” environment. It is hard to not live in fear when you have been put into the "infertility" bucket— the area of medicine that is every couple's worst nightmare.
It comes with months of tests, more tests, and then waiting. The waiting game was a real struggle for me since I felt like I was waiting for them to drop the big, "oh you can't have kids" bomb on me. I knew in my heart I would be able to have kids I just didn't know if something physically was wrong with either Drew or myself. You can imagine after having two back to back miscarriages that fear was starting to take over my body and my mind. It became more and more clear that I needed to take time off. I feel very lucky that I was able to do this and believe me, I have tons of friends with major jobs that go through this process and still seem to hold it together—they are my heroes. So, with a heavy heart and lots of deep thinking, I decided to hit pause on my life. I stopped teaching for six months and I took the majority of the summer off. So for those of you wondering about NUFit, this is why I decided to take a break. It was the first time in a long time I had to surrender and just be.
After a couple of weeks went by I realized that life will always be moving forward and my business or friendships were not going anywhere. I had built strong foundations around me and I take great pride in that. I realized motherhood was all I wanted and I was willing to leverage my entire career to hopefully one day have the great honor of being called "mom."
Today as Drew, Teddy, and I announce what is our greatest gift, I want to first recognize all those mamas and mamas-to-be out there that have helped me and given me great guidance along the way. YOU are my heroes and your love for family and sacrifice is unparallel to anything I have ever witnessed. The stories that have been shared with me and the bond that holds us together is something that I will always cherish. I remember crying reading people's pregnancy announcements and feeling so overjoyed for them yet so empty inside. I SEE you in my story and like many of you, I have seen many dark days. I remember last Mother's Day I was in the dumps while looking at the families around us celebrate this special day. I was mad, envious, and so sad. Sad isn't even a strong enough word for what I felt that day. I remember thinking, "why is that not me? Did I do something wrong to deserve this torture?" All questions you tend to ask yourself when the whole world seems to be pregnant except for you (am I right?!) As I was sitting at the table with Drew crying, I read a statement on Instagram that has stayed with me and I hope that this helps you as it helped me. These words come from a mother who was blessed with a miracle baby after years of trying, she said, “To all those mamas and all those mamas-to-be, you are already a mama because in your heart you are a mama.” That statement hit me like a ton of bricks and I have carried that with me throughout my journey. No matter what stage of the motherhood journey you are in, your soul is the most powerful gift you have. Stay connected to your greatest source, it's your true north star.
So loves, thank you for reading a little bit about our story. Since I am so passionate about this topic and feel such a need to share, I have created a "road to motherhood" series that will be dropping soon. This is the first of many layers of my story and I want to share useful knowledge that got me here today. I am 100% committed to sharing what worked for me and help guide you through this process. We ended up conceiving naturally and I would not have been here today without the help of some AMAZING fertility experts that I will share with you! These women are my true angels.
And lastly, to our lovely daughter, we love you more than words can describe and feel so thankful that you chose us to be your parents. We promise to always be there for you and love you without borders.